Are You Being Relevant?

I once had a student in my class who was assertive and asked me, “Why can’t I find people who want to talk about the issues that I want to talk about. Why is that people are so afraid of being challenged?”

I asked him if he took an interest in what other people were doing, and if he made an effort to talk about what other people wanted to talk about, not just what he did. Unfortunately he was so determined to find people that had only the same interests that he had. He would connect with other people on one main interest, but the moment there was not a second one, he dismissed them as being a potential friend.  He later admitted that he had a tough time maintaining any long term friendship.

I was saddened to hear this from him, but he was missing one key factor in developing long term relationships. Being relevant to another person’s point of view.

Sandy, is my best friend, she’s doing her graduate degree in  urban development in Hong Kong at the moment. For myself, I know very little about development and city landscapes, but I do take curiosity into why she finds it so fascinating and I listen. I ask her questions that explain more of her opinion. I make her feel valued. And most of all, if the topic is important to the other person, I keep the conversation relevant to that person.

This is a part of being charismatic. Haven’t you ever had a time when you were talking about a favourite topic of yours, and then within 15 seconds of talking, the topic completely changed and somehow you feel a little left out and ripped off that the conversation thread never fully finished?

I know I have. And that’s due to poor listening skills. When someone comes up and talks to you, ensure that you allow yourself to be relevant to the topic they are talking about. If my friend talks about urban development, I might ask her about which cities does she believe are the most eco-friendly. Or I might ask her, tell me what would you change about the city landscape if you had a chance? What more would you like to see, green spaces, transportation, wider roads? Just don’t change topics too suddenly…destroys the rapport building process.

Be curious, be relevant to the topic being discussed, and the more you become relevant to the topic that people are discussing, the more you will be known as the person who knows how to charm people.