My first *REAL* Successful Pickup

Sometimes I look back and think to myself some of the greatest things that have happened to me in life. And when I reflect upon them, it brings back some sentimental value.

I don’t usually talk a lot about my days of pick up and being a dating coach, since I do mostly Conversation Coaching for professional purposes.

A friend of mine went out one night to a local restaurant to grab a beer, and I had just gotten into what was called the pick up community and reading stuff from all these dating gurus. The hostess sat us down and right behind us were two women.

One of them was petite, and I thought was really cute. They had just finished their dinner, and it was the perfect time to try out some of the concepts and communication skills that I had read about in some of the books. As my friend was talking to me, I asked him to stay silent.

As they got up, I just asked them in some what confident tone, but inside I was absolutely nerve wracked, “I was wondering if you would like to join us because we have a pitcher of beer coming, and we’re always looking for good company to chat with.”

As the two women looked at each other, I knew that this was a sign to look at who would lead the group. Women will often look at each other during such interactions to seek approval from each other. So instead of letting them decide, I talked to the one who I believed was more dominant female leader of the duo after I convinced her to sit down, then started to talk to the petite girl with these wonderful cat’s eyes glasses. She was well dressed, and later I had found out she was studying fashion. I asked her about what she did, and strangely enough we worked for the same company, around the same part of town, just different locations at the time. She had this high pitched voice, which I found absolutely adorable at the time.
I was able to engage her with about my work that I was currently doing, but what about my dream of being this successful coach that was going to help other people chase their dreams and become successful as well.

At the time she smiled, and seemed very charmed by the ambition. This was because our company didn’t employ a lot of dreamers, but more people that were robots with no set goals in life.

My friend was busy talking to the other girl and just chatting with her, while I kept talking to the girl I was particularly interested in. Then when she finally decided to go and leave, I asked her “So what’s your number?”

She had taken one of my business cards at the time, and looked at me and gave me the “Well I have your number I’ll give you a call.”

This is where it gets tricky in communication. Because in communication how do you ever know if someone is saying something as an initial defense mechanism, or how do you know if someone down deep inside wants to test you? Most of the time it’s hard but it’s a crap shoot. In sales, if you know you’re going to lose the sale most of the time, there are such things as recovery techniques that help close sales more often. Even one of the greatest sales people Zig Ziglar made this mistake one time while selling pots and pans…and the prospect was hopping mad after because he took what the prospect said too literally!

In dating communication this is no different. Recovery techniques are not special offers, but you don’t settle for what’s said on face value instead, you need to be confident and assured.

I looked at her and said quite strongly “Bull Shit, you’re not going to call me. Give me your number.” What was particularly strange about that line was that it was very out of my character. I don’t usually swear, and I’m usually not so assertive. But on that particular day, the words came right out of my mouth from my subconscious.

The petite girl with cat’s eye glasses looked, laughed at me, and then wrote down her number on one of my business cards. I was so mind boggled, “Did she just give me her number” I thought to myself. “And did she just laugh at my remark?”

I was really excited. I had tried out a new communication concept, got the result I wanted and it was absolutely mind blowing. I felt so good about it. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a man, not apologizing for the fact that I found this girl attractive.

As she wrote down the number, I was just glowing. I even called the number at the moment to ensure that it was real. Some people might say it’s needy, but the order that things are done, and how you say things can persuade people quite easily.

After getting the number the two women left for a friend’s birthday party. I ended up being very proud of myself. It was my first number that I learned to get with new principles of communication. Before that I didn’t meet any interesting women for 5 years. My life in dating was terrible, this is why it helps to have a dating coach and communication coach as well. It really changed my life for the better and I’ve met wonderful people with great memories since.

So did I go on a date with the girl or did she flake? Well we actually did go on two dates and had a nice dinner. The chemistry just wasn’t there unfortunately, but I do bump into her once in a while and am always warmed by her voice and her smile.

I never realized this till much later, and was too stubborn to seek help earlier, but a few communication tools made a world of difference in my life with friends, family, and my relationships.

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If you’re interested in knowing how to tell a Great Story to impress a crowd or your first date sign up for your *FREE* e-book on Power Storytelling at http://www.conversationarts.com

Exciting News When Shared

You ever notice that when you’re sharing exciting news, that some how there are people who seem to bring it down. It’s such a terrible thing to do…the question is whether you’re aware of it or not yourself.

Let’s say that a friend of yours gives you some great news about starting a new business. She’s all excited, and ready to go, and all of sudden you start giving her advice on why she needs to be realistic about accomplishing her goal.

A big mistake that I hear from conversations and even have experienced in real life, is the fact that I see people bring down the energy of good news by being critical.

You might be in the best mood, you might have gotten a raise, or you have this brilliant idea for a new product line, but these people instead of sharing in your joy they put you down or over analyze the situation.

“Hey i have the best idea. I’m going to start my own business that manufactures robots that can dance to music. I think these will be very popular around the clubs, and I think a few people who have the money would like one just for one.”

BAD: “That’s a stupid idea, why would anybody want to buy your robots. I personally think that people don’t go to clubs to see robots dance. And I don’t know one person who would be interested in this product.”

GOOD: “Well it sounds like you’re really into this. I can sense the excitement that is coming from your voice. What about this project makes you excited?”

DON’T be one of those people that has to find all the loops and be critical of what another . I’ve always had the simple philosophy…”This world needs more happiness.” So why when someone is the most happiest would you critisize her. If you think someone’s idea isn’t great, or if you don’t share their joy or about to make some critical judgment…Just don’t. It’s that simple.

Instead share with them that joy…”Oh that’s great that you’re so excited about this new business you’re starting. What made you want to do this?”

Notice I’m not saying you have to agree with the idea, it’s just you need to be supportive of how the person FEELS. Let them be excited for that moment, don’t rob away that sense of accomplishment and joy.
Keep making that person feel good, and then what you do, is that you wait till the very next day when their joy has calmed down slightly, then have a more objective conversation about the “realistic” aspects of a business. People will appreciate you much more because you weren’t trying to be a party pooper on their idea.

Next time someone has a really great idea, or shares some exciting, just share the excitement. At times we like being excited and let people be like children.

For more information please feel free to go to the website http://www.conversationarts.com. We have a FREE Workshop coming up for the Art of Complimenting on Jun 14th.

Networking Events of Recent

I spent the last few days spending time with networking through an Meetup.com organizer Ronald Lee, who runs Man Meets Woman. It’s been really good and very productive. What’s interesting is that I’ve met some people who have been networking for a year and even two years, and have noticed that not much has really changed. The social skills and their charisma factor haven’t increased and therefore they’re still struggling to get their business going, and therefore they seem to be lacking a clear vision of what it is they want their business to be like. Professional charisma comes a lot from knowing your product inside and out. And knowing how to explain to people clearly and definitively what they need. For example I met Big Picture Coach Patrick Von Pander. Now I want to make it clear, I’ve never worked with Patrick directly nor have I been his client, but there’s one thing for sure, he was professionally charismatic. And I noticed what made him noticable at the meeting were a few things.
1) He was very comfortable being able to speak to a group of people. I hate to say it, if you’re going to be an entrpreneur, you better be able to be comfortable with yourself talking to others.
2) He knew a lot about life and his industry in general. And he was able to offer advice at the RIGHT TIME! offering advice that other people find useful are so important and even engaging people in questions is good.
3) He came prepared with an information sheet. This is part of the professional charisma he had, he was able to offer some useful advice without us requesting. A sheet I personally found very useful.
4) His “elevator pitch” was phenomenal. Here’s a man who’s worked it out, and was able to clearly define the type of person he wanted to work with. No ifs and or, buts.

So Patrick, really knew what he was doing. He knew what his business was, and he was able to explain it. And if you’re going to be charismatic socially, being able to gracefully explain your services in a way that appeals to people is just the tip of the iceberg.

Sadly the person I talked to in an early event, just didn’t seem to understand and apply what he needed to get the attention of people. He was just quiet, and not very engaging. He didn’t seem to have much input into the group and didn’t admit that he was new to the particular topic we were mentioning. So it’s rather sad to see that…

But Patrick…competely opposite. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to meet more people like Patrick and that I’m hoping that I can help out people achieve that sense of not necessarily being a better closer, but someone that is able to express themselves clearly to others, whether it is their business or it’s how they feel about their journey on how they started their business.

Anyway I hope to see you all on May 9th. I just added Alanna Fero to my line up of talks. The event will be called Charismatic Conversation!

Art of Conversation-Featuring Dan Johnston

I just came back yesterday night from presenting again at the Emerging Leaders UBC. And had an absolute blast. There were four presenters including myself in front of crowd of easily 50 people I believe. I felt honoured as the very last speaker to go because usually at large events, it’s the most popular one that goes last.

Last night I met two wonderful speakers who I think are fantastic. I would highly suggest that if you get a chance to go and visit Dan’s Site, Leading in Motion. He has some great articles. I ran into this one, and I think that it’s a great complement to one of the articles I had recently wrote on the Art of Complimenting.

A Classic Dan Johnston Article: A Lesson in Flattery

In both business and social environments I have always been one to avoid compliments and flattery. I think my thought pattern went something like this:

“If they look nice they know they look nice, so why tell them? I’ll just look like every other suckup.”

Of course what I have always failed to take into account is that well, people tend to be insecure and unsure of themselves. Even if we were to forget about insecurities, well, we just love compliments. Why do I wear an expensive watch or does lady wear a designer dress? To get noticed! So of course people love it when you notice.

This all came together today with the last nail in the coffin. The last few days I’d been feeling overly tired, and despite seeing some legendary speakers on Wednesday a bit out of gas. This morning after over sleeping I decided that was all going to end right there. I threw on my shoes and started what ended up being an epic 20km run.

As I was running through Stanley Park feeling ambitious, pumped up and energized again I saw an interesting looking gentleman drawing something, we made eye contact and he motioned for me to remove my headphones. As I approached I realized he was much more interesting that I could have hoped for. In an attempt to get me to write him a cheque for a few thousand to support his journey to Hollywood to be a comedy writer he told me how ambitious and successful I looked. It was as I “ran” away that I realized how good I was feeling from his obviously contrived compliment. Here is a situation where:

* The person flattering me is clearly doing so because he wants something
* The flattery is empty as he doesn’t really know me at all, and of course is using it to get something
* The person flattering me holds no significant social value in my eyes (not a mentor, role model, parent, boss, friend etc)

Despite all these factors, well, it felt good to hear (almost as good as when this really cute girl caught me singing “Mr.Brightside” to myself and gave me a smile). Whats the moral of the story? Well it isn’t to go out and throw empty compliments at everyone you meet. I’d also be careful complimenting those who tend to hear nothing but praise as you’ll blend into the masses who tell them the same things day in and day out. What I am suggesting is that the next time you notice some-one’s shoes, new haircut or the graceful way they carry themselves, tell them. I’m going to try and compliment 25 strangers over the next week, what is your goal?

Another great article from Dan Johnston. Dan is an entrepreneur, practical psychologist and performance coach. For information on coaching opportunities with Dan, please email penthousedan@leadinginmotion.com.

The Art of Conversation- 3 Minute Rule

This is Vincent Ng again, with the new post!

I just finished teaching my last class for this term’s course at the Vancouver School Board. And am looking forward to the next term to teach my course, Art of Conversation. Anyway, some people ask me how to start conversations, and a lot of people ask how do you transition from one topic to another, but mostly it seems like people get discouraged from pushing their conversation forward.

Starting a conversation is never easy, it’s rather difficult, and then trying to continue the conversation after the first minute is hard too. But what I’ve found is that people can be really hesitant at first to talk to you (especially under situations like the grocery market, book store and so forth) , and so sometimes the best thing to do is to continue the conversation even if you are uncomfortable. Your feet may want to walk away, but you have to keep your feet planted. Mentally you have to be in the uncomfort zone.  I find that 90 percent of people will never talk to a random stranger on the street…and then what ends up happening is that even fewer  will push beyond the first minute of talking. It’s just too much pressure.

One of the rules that I’ve found happen when talking to strangers in places is to push to